Funny comment from a "fellow cop" the other day. He or She e mailed and said "if the people you worked with were so bad and the people you worked for were so bad, why did you stay? OR was it that it wasnt that bad and your just angry? Let the anger go.....
REALLY? .....You read my book and this is what you got from it? The book Curbchek isn't about my anger. Anger over all that was wrong, anger over all that happened, anger period. It is about the reality of what being a cop is and does to you. If( and this is a big damn IF!) If you worked the street and did not hide in the cemeteries at night sleeping, If you actually patrolled your area and looked for more than the calls that were given to you. IF you crawled your fat ass out from behind the radar gun and stopped giving mom and pop traffic tickets and went out and actually battled on the street. If you were not in the LTs office telling him once again how you really wanted to transfer off the street into a specialty so you could have an office.If you didn't sign out on every parking problem as soon as an in progress felony call came in. IF..... I could go on... but why? IF what you took from reading Curbchek is that I am angry? that's cool. We may have worked the same streets, same department, but we did not work the same way... are not the same kind of cop. Go back to watching Dragnet, John Wayne, Barney Miller etc... go back to patting yourself on the back about how amazing you are. That is cool too. Others have read the book and cried, relived old painful memories, grieved and heard the point of the book. We are all in this together...in case you missed that point.
Am I an angry guy? You decide. ZF
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Then I saw Training Day. Alonzo(Denzel Washington) kicked ass. Dark edgy and off the damn chain. This was no damn sheep dog. Zo did not care about the sheep or the "pat on the head from the master" for a job well done. He was a wolf hunting the wolves..as he put it "to catch a wolf you have to be a wolf" None of this sheep dog shit.... and no catchy phases and having been there(done that). Officer Hoyt on the other hand is fierce as well, scrappy and still has the thin veil of the facade left to help him filter the reality of the street. By the end of the movie Hoyt has come to grips with reality. He shoots Zo wounding him and leaves him in the street to the thugs.
It came to me after this movie... I am not a sheep dog or a wolf. I do work with a lot of sheep dogs. Happy stupid, barking dogs eager to do the masters bidding. They can fight the wolf and protect "the sheep" if necessary. But they are not wolves.... and they have never been there or know how to get there as the old cops used to say. I am one of those "Hybrid wolf dogs" you read about that everyone fears and no one understands...Not able to be controlled, neither a "wolf", or "sheep dog". Neither are comfortable around me. I belong no where, I can fit in temporarily anywhere, but in the end all sides watch me out of the corner of their eye and wonder...what will he do next? What guides this hybrid? part criminal, part cop... I marvel at the sheep for their ability to pretend they are "Ok" and that all will be alright in the end. I have an internal battle between Zo and Hoyt....who wins the day? Don't know, they are balanced...jockeying for position to own my soul... fortunately they are balanced... "Yin and Yang"
So for you cops that read the blog...no disrespect meant. If I say something you don't like. That is ok. I am not one of you.(as Lt. Leeds said so loudly announced one day in my book) To the criminals as well, sorry homies, not part of you either. One foot in both worlds.... belonging in neither. I am more like "Hombre" the character Paul Newman played in a western of the same name. Check out the book and you will see what I mean. That is what Curbchek is all about. ZF
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
I am sitting here on the "Mountain" watching the does bring the 4 month old fawns to the water and surfing the Net. What did I find? I found out Curbchek has been listed by Amazon.com in their top 30 new releases in Hardboiled crime stories! I was pretty happy about that. I have been working the net every waking hour trying to generate interest in the project. Hopefully it is momentum that continues! Here is the link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/new-releases/digital-text/157312011
The mountain? The mountain has become my refuge, my place to heal, recover, regroup. The Mountain is where I hope to die some far off day old and frail, still hiking, planting and raising bees. Till that day I leave the house and hit the deer trails, looking for antlers, bear scat, and the ever elusive Mtn lion. I listen to the wind and think back.....back to when Curbchek was brutally real to me. It was my life. I could smell the powder from gun fire, hear the screams of wounded and injured women and children( and a few men). I would be responsible to try and find a way to bring order to chaos. Justice to those that had been wronged. Light to darkness.... impossible tasks I undertook willingly. Thinking really stupidly that I could make a difference for my children, and others children. Work hard enough I thought and maybe I can make this a safe place. Maybe I can battle successfully the crime that has destroyed the city I barely survived as a child. Maybe my children will never know what it is like to be in a knife fight at 10 with three kids trying to rob you. (Rob you for a couple of bucks, by the way). That was my hope. Curbchek is my description of the journey.
This is supposed to be my Blog, but reality is it is your blog as well. Ask questions, post comments about my whining, tell me what you think! That is what blogs are in my mind. Have at it, give me your best. you may piss me off, I may piss you off! who knows... regardless here we go, Once more into the breach.....